Lately

I have lately been refusing to update my blog because some people dont need to know everything. So i have been keeping YOU away from knowing what is going on in my life and in my head. Because i know that maybe Miranda actaully does read this. Not that she would care to think of me, because as they say..."out of sight, out of mind." so you see, that is why she doesnt bother to call me or talk to me or see me or anything, because she's got other things in front of her to occupy her and keep her from thinking about anyone who isnt there. But apparantly i'm supposed to just move on with my life and forget about it completely that i had a friend that loved me and was the greatest friend anyone could ever hope for...that i'm just supposed to start all over again in search of a friend that great. that i need to just forget she ever happened and find someone to fill that place... I CANT DO THAT. STOP TELLING ME I CAN AND THAT I SHOULD. I CANT. Those of you who think i can, are wrong. Obviously you havent had a friend you would give the world for. You dont know what having such a friend is like if you think i can just give her up like that. It's not possible...

Well, for you Miranda, i hope you arent really thinking like this, you understand my mind better than anyone else. And if you reaaaaaly thought about it you would know what i am thinking. Because not just that, but i have told you it! The entire concept that my whole life is a lie. Or else just alot of it. Maybe you really are just a really good actress. You have lied to me to make me live a lie. Why, i donno. Maybe i'm just a little paranoid, but i've been faked before. Remember? Someone faked a friendship with me for a year and they exposed me to people who didnt like me. They lied to me. I trusted them. I have since always had a huge problem with trusting people. But i trusted YOU, Miranda. Maybe that was the stick that broke the camel's back. Maybe that was what will cause my downfall some day. Which makes me wonder, if all this was/is a lie, and i cant trust YOU, then I cant trust ANYONE. So you tell me, Miranda. Are you intentionally trying to ignore the problem? Or are you finally giving up on letting me live this lie? I am so confused about so many things right now, and this has always been at the top of the list.

So maybe when you know what the truth is, MAYBE THEN YOU CAN LET ME KNOW?? Until then, i'll sit here in my new world with my boys and talk to them about things and try so hard not to mention your name to them.