YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT

I am so sick of all of you. I used to wake up in the morning thinking that something could go right that day. I used to be able to wake up in the morning happy. I used to be a morning person.

But not today. Today I woke up in reality. That all of you hate me. That all of you are watching me fall. That YOU, Hprk and YOU, IBZM, and YOU...all of you are ruining my life. It's not just you two that are doing this. More of you are out there i just refuse to mention your names. Because I care about you enough to not tell the world that you are ruining my life. But wether I mention it or not, YOU ARE. I hate you all. Yeah, that's right...I hate you ALL. You had to ruin my day. I like to wake up in the morning with some hope for the day, but when I wake up to this world that you have put me in, I find there is no hope. Because of YOU, HPRK-- I'm having an aweful day. And the thing is: my day just started! You really know how to brainwash someone. Just like Terry. I cannot talk to you, I must run the other way. I must not let your lies seep into my brain...but when you AND j tell me all the same things...I just want to prove you both wrong...because i know YOU ARE WRONG.

And by the way, I hate you.

Killing Me Softly

Right now...I hate you all. I may not hate you all--LATER--but right now, I do. You are all out to get me and you are all waiting and watching for me to screw up. And every time I trip you are there laughing. I may not hear you laughing, and keep marching on--but I know you laugh at me. You all hate me. I swear that that is all you are here to do: screw my life up when things start going right. YOU, Hprk, are one of these people. Just like IBZM, only you are worse cuz you know where to find me. And plus, I dont think IBZM is out to get me--only when he sees he can screw something up does he do it. He doesnt go out of his way like YOU do. And another thing is, I at least know when to expect him. Winter is when I am used to him ruining things. But YOU, I dont know anything about when YOU will come along and try to screw my life up more than I have screwed it up.

Thank you for hating me world. I hate you too.

Dont Lead and Dont Follow

If you lead I will not follow.
Stay behind I will not go.
I want to walk beside you as a friend.

Why must some people always believe that THEY should be the leader, or that YOU should walk ahead? I hate that. Even the "curtousy" of being a woman is disturbing to me: because I am a woman people let me walk out in front when two cannot walk side by side. I dont like that. No. I like the whole thing of whoever is one step ahead of the other in the last moment goes first. Yeah. That's how it should be.

I was thinking about something else when I quoted that, but right now I dont remember the original reasoning for it... So I will leave you with that, more later...

Thanksgiving

OK, so it's not Thanksgiving anymore. It's the day after. But so what? I'm gonna pretend it's Thanksgiving for a moment so get over it...

On this Thanksgiving, I am thankful to have my Miranda back. I'm glad to know she never threw me off her list. Everyone seems to think that I should just forget her or that it is time to get a new friend or blah blah blah... and I was getting so sick of hearing it every time I told them what was going on between us. But yayayayayay!! Now we've been talking better. It's not like it was, but the point is: we're going back up after a year of being in the negatives. So this Thanksgiving, everyone be happy for what they HAVE and not dwell on what they dont have...

...like what I dont have--Texas in my back pocket...I MISS YOU!!!!

ARE YOU LOST??

For all of you who dont know what the hell is going on when you read my blog, I tell you now:

Miranda and I are not getting along. She seems to think that because i'm "not Ginger" anymore, she cant be my friend. Or is it because her boyfriend Tony doesnt like me that she cant be my friend anymore?...

well i dont know the reasoning, but she is being a b***h to me lately, and because she doesnt like to talk to me anymore, i turn to you: my blog. She has a blog too, though she is barely on it, but lately she has been using it to rage back at me because she'd rather the whole world know and have a one person argument for 20 minutes, than to BOTHER to call me and tell me all that she is thinkng. Even though i would much perfer to the face. But anyways...

To hear the other side of the story, make your way to her blog, then maybe you'll know a little more than what i give you.

www.randas.blogspot.com

...thank you and have a nice day...

FRIENDS

How do you know if someone is your friend? You dont. You never do. I myself never trusted anyone. On rare occasion. All because of one person that taught me in seventh grade not to trust everyone so openly. So i made a friend that i had a hard time trusting in the beginning, but eventually i did trust them. and for a long time they were the only person i did trust. They taught me that not everyone cannot be trusted, there are select few that can be trusted. I had started trusting more and more people again, but not alot. Then someone in my life was so offended that i didnt trust them like they trusted me--i barely knew him-- and then when i did give him my trust he gave me a reason not to trust him. why would he expect me to trust him and then disrespect me like that?

but that's not my focal point in this post. No, no. This one's about You, Miranda. Yes. How you had my trust for so long. But now that you have disrespected me, i dont know how to trust you anymore. For all i know, you may have stopped trusting me (or partially) in freshman year. But we wont dwell on freshman year. I know i did wrong. I admit that openly. And for a long time, you WERE right about it all. I know i made alot of it up in my little head, but eventually it became true--wether you knew it or not, it did become reality. But wait--i said i wouldnt dwell on freshman year...

I used to trust you so much. I had nobody else to trust. Because nobody else was worthy of it. Nobody understood me like you did. But now you are going around telling people i'm crazy and i'm "not the Ginger I used to know"; you wont even defend me when i'm not around anymore. I still love you enough to defend you when you're gone. Which does happen alot it seems. Someone told me i shouldnt be doing it for you, if you cant do that for me. Because apparantly you dont even like me anymore. I'm too "crazy". I'm "not Ginger anymore".

Things happen that make us. Some people dont give their opinion maybe because they were in trouble for doing it when they were younger. Some people are afraid of germs because their parents were always sick and always cleaning everything and avoiding germy places like this discusting keyboard i'm typing on. (note to self: wash hands when leaving the computer lab) Like me: i never used to be afraid to give my opinion freely. I tried hard not to offend people when giving it sometimes but after you know who, I'm terrifyed to give it. I have an opinion, but it's not free anymore, it has a price. If wanted, it may as well be asked for because I'm too afraid something may get thrown near me or someone may punch something non-living because of it.

But here i am, telling you what i think. Maybe that's because you're nowhere near me to throw things at me or scream at me. Or then again, maybe it's because i know that you and i need to argue. Otherwise, this will never get out of the way and we'll never be friends again. Why else do you think i keep antagonizing you? Because you need to say what has been in that glass bottle inside you. It's time to get out the bottle opener, let's shake it up and see how much comes out. Because eventually it will go stale and someone will come along and instead of opening it and letting it out, it will get thrown away and never remembered.

You cant just not like me because Tony or Sarah dont like me. So what if they dont like me? That doesnt mean that because you are their friends that you have to remove me from your list. Everyone has their own list, Miranda. You dont have to remove any of your friends off of there just because someone tells you that that person doesnt make THEIR list.

But i KNOW that that's just a cover story, that's not the real reason why you are being so snoody to me. This was going on a year ago. And back then, I dont think you knew Tony, or at least didnt talk to him as much as I did. Back then, he still liked me! He was still sitting in my heat seat, where NOBODY ELSE was permitted to sit. It was either Tony or nobody who sat with me. I would share my heater with no one else. Tony is cool. Dont get me wrong, i just dont know what he has against me.

So it has to be YOURS AND MY PROBLEM, it has nothing to do with all the people you are trying to tie into it. It is only Miranda's and Ginger's problem that they need to get through, it has nothing to do with Sarah, and nothing to do with Tony. They may have only made it worse.

Pictures

Well folks, I FINALLY got my senior pictures taken. THAT'S RIIIGHT!! I did them Saturday with my uncle Eric. Though it was cold, we roamed about MSU Campus and found plenty of good places to do some nice photography. I had a good time. I cant wait until Thursday when at Thanksgiving I get to look them over: with grandma's and everyone elses' criticizm. Well at least I can say that I dont spell out the "S" word like Jessica did. Sorry Jessica, but really now: just one picture that would be church friendly would have been nice to show grandma. I hope that my plans all work out, and these pictures will save my life--or just make it worse. We'll see...yes we'll see, precious...mu ha ha ha haaaa!!

?I LOVE ME? MAYBE NOT MIRANDA!

"Words that have so much wisdom"

Easier to Run

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken

From deep inside of me

A secret I've kept locked away

No one can ever see

Wounds so deep they never show

They never go away

Like moving pictures in my head

For years and years they've played

If I could change I would

Take back the pain I would

Retrace every wrong move that I made I would

If I could

Stand up and take the blame I would

If I could take all the shame to the grave I would

Sometimes I remember

The darkness of my past

Bringing back these memories

I wish I didn't have

Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back

And never moving forward so

There would never be a past

Just washing it aside

All of the helplessness inside

Pretending I don't feel misplaced

Is so much simpler than change

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

A HA HA!!

So now I know the truth. To know is wonderful. Knowing that the sound of your voice is sincere. Knowing that you are not just another evil person like everyone else is. Yes, they are all evil. They all hide themselves from me, keep themselves buried deep under their skin. Why, I dont know. Maybe they are afraid of me. You arent though. Maybe they hide themselves from me because I'm "TOO PSYCHO". And then they all run away from me. Everyone does. Hell, even MIRANDA did. I was too crazy for her to deal with. And Terry too. I was a psycho bitch drama queen. He couldnt handle it. Miranda could only handle it for...HOW MANY YEARS?? Actually, when i had nowhere else to turn, I always had her. Now I dont even have that. ...stupid b*.........

Well my point is, I finally know, after a week of not knowing! I was so depressed and confused, waiting to know, and now I know! You told me yourself, the tone of your voice relaxes me. Oh man, I love it when you sing! I dont think that anything else could come close to how comfortable you make me when you sing. Miss you!!

Missing Persons

I realize that everything in my life has to do with the word "where". Where did they all go? Everyone always leaves me. Where are they now? Where are they going? Where were they? And often someone kidnaps me and people wonder where is Ginger? or Where did they take her? Where have you been? Always there is a place, always it is what alot of the answers rely on: where. Want to come with us? Where. No, that's too far away. No Chicago today. WHERE?? No, Mt Pleasant is a long drive. Maybe another day when i have more time to be there. Absence is a wonderful thing, sometimes, if I am the one absent. But it is not cool when loved ones are missing. I find myself saying "where are they?" I will never know that answer.

OW

I have a headache. I hate having headaches. I cant understand how my brother can handle having them every day. I'd shoot my head off if i had them every day, but that's just me.

I just had a marvelous idea!! For my next birthday, i want someone to give me a cupcake that is made out of McDonald's fries, and frosted with salt and ketchup!!! mmm, i can smell it now...

MY COMMERCIAL!!

I DID MY COMMERCIAL YESTERDAY!! MY OK COLA COMMERCIAL!!! It was so awesome! Tammy and Nick and Matt were the talents. It was beautiful... at the end of the class we get to have ALL of the commercials on tape, not just ours. And that's a good thing cuz i'm a talent in most of them. There are some hilarious commercials in there...

Scents

Some things are symbolic, either to a large group or to one person. For example, the golden arches are a symbol for food that is mmmm....and quick to be served. The colors are supposed to make us feel like we are in and out of there faster than we really are. And we have been raised in a society that defines those beautiful golden arches... I personally desire fries fresh out of the fryer and a Sprite when i see the golden arches towering over everything else.

But that's just the example...mmm, McDonald's... sorry back to my point.

We tend to associate sights and smells and textures to certain things, and some things will always remind us of certain things. Lately I have been smelling certain scents that I have only ever associated with one person or place. Yesterday I swore I could smell my great grandmother's house. And this morning if i had closed my eyes i would have expected to hear my great grandma asking me if i wanted Chicken noodle soup. Her kitchen always had a distinguished smell, much like chicken noodle soup. Another thing: the other day I could smell one of my ex's cologne, which freaked me out because just like all these other scents, I knew were merely my imagination. But what could trigger my brain to believe that it smells such things? I was definately not thinking about them. And i was not out and about, i was at home. So why do things like this happen? I have done this many times before. It just made me really sad to smell my grandma's kitchen and know that I'll never be in that same kitchen with her and that entire atmosphere again.

Life

i was having an alright day today, kinda blah, until i decided to stumble onto Miranda's blog, and since then i've been depressed. I dont really know what to say so i wont say anything. I'll just talk about how some people ruined my life and now i will always be screwed up in the head because of you. Yeah, YOU. But dont get a big head, you're not the only one to blame. No, it's also the people down the road from you. Actually it's mostly their fault. it always has been. But you just added to it, being only a mile away. Hm... so maybe i'll do something you all seem to think i should do but refuse to tell me. i have came close to doing it all on my own, but when someone tells me it, someone who was so close to me for so long, it hits you hard. It's always something to tell it like you see it, but when other people see it the same way, then you arent really imagining it like you always hoped you were. And that's kinda scary cuz alot of my life i believe i have made up. And to be told that something in it that i thought i had just made up is actually real, is frightning. It makes me wonder, what else could be true that i thought was just something i made up? i really want to laugh in YOUR face for never believing me when i told you IT was real. But you chose to glaze everything over for me and tell me it was all made up, that if you cry hard now about it you'll never cry again. But so many times i have recalled the time when i was crying telling you that you were right and i was wrong. I have always looked back on that moment and realized that you WERE NOT RIGHT. I DIDNT MAKE IT UP LIKE YOU THOUGHT I DID. JUST BECAUSE YOU MAY HAVE MADE IT UP WHEN IT HAPPENED TO YOU DOESNT MEAN IT WASNT REAL FOR ME. I will admit, that i know i had to make something up somewhere in there, but eventually, because i chose to believe that it was real for SOOO long, it became real. And they agree. It really is real. So though this started out as a depressed rage, it will end in hope. Knowing that anything can be if you want it to be, you just have to believe with your whole heart that it is true, and that you are not making it up. Eventually the white line of chalk seperating the truth from the world you created will become fuzzy and it will be hard to determine what you made up. And eventually what you once created all in your head will become real.

RED HEAD/MACS

yayayayayayayayayay!! My hair is red! Not the exact color i wanted it, but it's not brown red!! yayayayay!!!! Just as excited about it as I was when i found out that MICHIGAN WON AGAIN AGAIN YAYAYAYAYAY!! HAHA STUPID MSU YOU SUCK...

SO ANYWAYS... yeah so i did my stupid project in the lab yesterday and it sucked so bad, i couldnt do it. I HATE MACS!! THEY ARE SO STUPID WHAT WITH THEIR STUPID ONE BUTTON MICE AND THEIR FILE EDIT WINDOW MENU ALWAYS AT THE TOP NO MATTER WHAT AND HOW THE HELL DO I FIND A PLACE TO TYPE SOMETHING ON IT IT IS SO STUPID THEY BOUNCE WHEN YOU CLICK THEM. DOWN WITH MACS DOWN WITH THEM ALL!! I WILL SHOW THEM HOW TO DEFENSTRATE, EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM. THERE IS NO NEED FOR THEM WHEN WE HAVE THESE WONDERFUL PC'S!! I HATE MACINTOSH! APPLE, WHATEVER THEY'RE CALLED... I HATE THEM THEY ARE SO STUPID AND THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE NEEDS BETTER WORDS AND I NEED A BETTER VOCABULARY AS WELL BECAUSE "STUPID" IS SO VAGUE JUST LIKE THE WORD "LOVE" AND YEAH I'M DONE. ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS

I
HATE
MACS
SO
MUCH
I
WANT
TO
KILL
THEM

My Day

i forgot to say about what i am to do today... i plan to do my digital audio project 3 today for audio class and be done by one. so then go home and call aunt pam and go have her dye my hair so it is good... because my hair needs to be pretty. even though it's only been like three days or more since i bleached it, i'm already sick of all the same old cracks. I've put up with the blonde jokes for many times through, but i've never had to put up with red head jokes yet. so this will be something new. yeah... so that's what i am doing today, now i am done!!

Camping

On Friday, I called Aaron. He said they were in Holt and they'd come get me in a few. So real quick i was gone with Skippy and Aaron. We had to go get the solar panels, and eventually made it to the camsite, where poor Paul was all alone in the dark for like five hours. Poor Pauly... well anyways yeah long weekend. Camped with them. Never knew who won the game. I was perturbed because i had a michigan State sweatshirt on, and they would say "You know, State's gonna LOSE..." and i said YES!! GOOD!! because i am a michigan fan. and they laughed at me. but i have to blend in, being i am living like almost on campus, I wont give them a easy reason to not like me and beat me up!! So anyways yeah and on Halloween we were going to leave and i decided to go visit one person for halloween. Dave and Wendy. I havent been through a single Halloween since i've known them without trick or treating them. So i went as an enraged MSU fan who didnt know who won. Wendy laughed at me. She didnt tell me who won though. So i found out who won when i got home, i asked Neil. I was happy! i jumped up and down and was pointing and laughing at Brody Complex. Oh it was beautiful! But yeah so i'm kind of concerned about someone right now, they have me worried about them and their family. I just want things to be better. I hope i'm not just making things worse.